Falling out of Love

First of all if you are expecting something happy and upbeat, don’t read this!!!! This is truly about death and most of all loving someone who is no longer alive.

I realized the other day that the worst part about the death of a spouse is that you can’t fall out of love with them. Your love will slowly diminish (or at least I think it will) and then I suppose you then have the capability of loving someone else, but you just can’t stop the feeling of love.

It’s because they are suddenly placed on a pedestal for the rest of your life. They just can’t do anything wrong ever again and in your mind even if there was something that irked the hell out of you, you would still take that nasty little irritation over their death.

Try as I might, I keep trying to remember the things that bugged me about my husband and we all know there had to be something or for that matter many things that drove me crazy. But they are just not there in my mind. So I am having this fairy tale love affair with a man that isn’t alive and I know that although he was my Prince Charming he also came with some blemishes, I just can’t find them!

If he was alive today, I am a hundred percent sure I could say “he drives me crazy because . . .”  So I am going to ride out this stupid fabrication and wait patiently for my brain to catch up to the truth and enjoy the last idyllic romance that I will ever have and pretend that my husband had no faults for as long as my mind wants me to achieve this ridiculous state and then I am sure one day I will remember his faults and when I do I will let you know because then and only then will I be able to move on with my life.

I have to say this isn’t really a bad thing. I know you are saying to yourself, “she is losing her mind” but really for right now, I don’t want to move forward (as long as it isn’t for the next 30 years of my life) but what’s a couple more months in the scheme or things. And if it makes me happy for just a brief moment in time then I am so grateful for that! Let me pretend for just a little longer and then I will get back to the realization that he isn’t here anymore, but for today, he’s just gone fishing.

 

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2 Comments

Filed under Awareness

2 responses to “Falling out of Love

  1. Kristin

    so powerful. i love you, julie.

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