When I decided that I would have surgery on my wrist in September I had an alternative plan in the works and that was being able to have Thanksgiving off and spend it with my daughters and their families in Arizona with two of my sisters.
Each week that I was off however, I become more comfortable in my house by myself. I started cooking my own meals which is unheard of! I wouldn’t even wash a strawberry before my husband died and now I am actually cooking?!
I hated being home on my two nights off by myself. To me the house was cold and uninviting. Empty is probably the word. Now I cherish being in my house. A month ago when we had subzero temperatures I was afraid that my pipes would freeze so I turned off the water and bled the pipes before I went to bed for 3 nights in a row and then turned it back on during the day with a heater under my house. (Heaters can catch on fire and I really didn’t want to wake up to that.) My younger daughter said that I should just stay with her, but I didn’t have any intentions of leaving my home. I could live without water overnight. I even said to someone that I didn’t want to leave my warm and cozy house to go out!
Another change that has happened is that I now venture out to places by myself. I went to a friend’s house as a single individual on New Year’s Eve. I have eaten out a couple of times by myself. If a problem arises I deal with it by myself. Not that I didn’t do this before my husband died, it’s just that now I have to make the decision alone and it really is different. It reminds me of when I was young and I got my first apartment; it’s that realization that I was an adult.
So I guess what happened during the 12 weeks I was home is that I became use to the idea that I am single, which in turn means that I am finally accepting that Terry is dead. It’s not that I am not still head over heal in love with him, because it is so difficult to turn off your heart; ( see Falling Out Of Love) but my mind has finally realized that he is gone.
I also know that I am not fully ready to move on with my life, but it does mean that I am comfortable in my own skin and in my own house. I went from being horribly alone to actually enjoying my own company! Who knew! Now I am looking forward to enjoying my beach by myself this summer.
I have always said that when you look back 6 months or a year, things can be so different and change so drastically. Well in 12 weeks I really feel like I have blossomed in a way that I didn’t think was possible. It’s not what I would have chosen for myself, but I do need to embrace the change. Plus, I am starting to become excited about what tomorrow will bring!