Filter

After my husband died, I lost my filter. You know that ability to bite your tongue when someone says something stupid and you respond and your response is not sugarcoated but raw. I also can’t lie, so the loss of the filter and the inability to lie is a really bad combination.

It’s been coming and going for well over a year and a half now and I had been doing pretty well these last two months. Unfortunately this evening I realized my filter was gone again. I am not sure why it is gone, but it is missing! Now I have never been a polite person or one that just throws out a compliment or tells little white lies to make someone feel better. I am the person that people go to when they really want to know how their hair looks, because they know that I if I hesitate to answer, then I have answered their question.

I am also very short with any answers; I hate to waste time and when I am tired of playing or doing something I just tell the person I am done. But without a filter, I tell people exactly how I am feeling about them or the situation.

For instance; I can’t stand people who bitch all the time or even part of the time. When I have a filter I just walk away. When I do not have a filter I pretty much tell them how they need to give it a break or walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, or maybe they should stop thinking they are so perfect and that they are above the rest of us.

And it’s really bad right now because I have this ‘don’t mess with me attitude’. I am mad for no good reason and no one should step in my path. It’s a scary place in my head right now and I know I need to stop it but do I want to?

As a server I make more money when my filter is off. People give me a sob story and I can always top it. How many people can start off with “My husband had a heart transplant” “and he died”.  Recently I had three guys who were running my ass off with just water, a good indication that they would not be leaving me a tip. When there is a filter, I say nothing. Without the filter I said something like “I am not giving you anymore water until I know you are going to tip me”.  They left 40.00 dollars. Or a customer will say “I am so sorry I paid with a credit card and I don’t have any cash” My response with a filter, “Oh that’s ok maybe next time”. My response without a filter; “You can reopen your credit card so then you can tip me.

The problem with the lack of filter is that I can really hurt my family and friend’s feelings. I say things that just shouldn’t be said. And I come by this trait honestly. I remember distinctly being with my mother before we found out she had cancer and she looked at me and said “can’t control your children?”. Which at the time really killed me and still to this day pings my heart. I am sure she really wouldn’t have said it if she felt better, or at least said it a little kinder, but her filter was off and the talons came out. What is said is not necessarily what that person actually thinks, but always has an underlying truth in there somewhere.

 So I need to go back to my happy place, because I recently have been pissing the management off at work instead of just the customers. Sad part is; I don’t care. That’s how I know my filter is missing. I would never ever hurt someone’s feelings intentionally, but there it is right in front of me.

I even had to apologize for making a supervisor cry (even though I know that she didn’t cry, but she told my boss that she did). So since my filter is off, I waited to apologized to her when there were 5 other people in the room. I just wanted to make the point that if you make up stories they will come back to bite you. Her boss informed me that she didn’t cry, but I apologized three more times to her. And wrote a letter to my boss about how sorry I was that I make her cry and then made sure that her boss read it.

Yes, very vindictive I admit. I know you are wondering what I did to upset this poor petite flower? I told her that our salad bar was “awful, awful, awful. . . AWFUL!”. That’s all.

My boss laughed at me. She told me that I was AWFUL and I agreed. So before I get fired I had better figure out where my filter went to and retrieve it and bring it back into my brain and my mouth!

You know what is really scary?! I realized that I am going to be one of those old women sitting around saying, “Good grief did you see that bright outfit she was wearing, she could land planes in the middle of the night!” I know that I am going to embarrass the hell out of my children and probably grandchildren. Maybe I should apologize now . . . nahhhh, I’ll wait a few years. I am in no hurry.

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