This morning I am reflecting over my 2014 and I am shocked to find that I stopped writing in my Grateful Journal on January 14th, 2014!
I didn’t want to spend my year immersed in my emotions. I wanted to live it and be grateful for every moment. But as I sit here looking over my goals and journals, I realize that I couldn’t be anything more than what I was. I needed to forgive myself for just being. That it was OK not to know where I was going and who was going along with me.
I have been so afraid of losing my old life that I couldn’t see my new life that lay ahead of me in full bloom! I will always have my old life as long as I keep in touch with all my old friends, but my new friends are also coming along on this ride. And that is what will make my life rich and full. (Along with my family of course!)
So on this first day of 2015 I will be making my goals, visualizing my dreams and making plans to move on in my life so that I don’t miss a moment of this year! More importantly, I want to make sure that I am grateful for every second!
So thank you all for reading my blog last year. My wish for each of you is: Peace, Love and Prosperity! Happy New Year!
When I decided that I would have surgery on my wrist in September I had an alternative plan in the works and that was being able to have Thanksgiving off and spend it with my daughters and their families in Arizona with two of my sisters.
Each week that I was off however, I become more comfortable in my house by myself. I started cooking my own meals which is unheard of! I wouldn’t even wash a strawberry before my husband died and now I am actually cooking?!
I hated being home on my two nights off by myself. To me the house was cold and uninviting. Empty is probably the word. Now I cherish being in my house. A month ago when we had subzero temperatures I was afraid that my pipes would freeze so I turned off the water and bled the pipes before I went to bed for 3 nights in a row and then turned it back on during the day with a heater under my house. (Heaters can catch on fire and I really didn’t want to wake up to that.) My younger daughter said that I should just stay with her, but I didn’t have any intentions of leaving my home. I could live without water overnight. I even said to someone that I didn’t want to leave my warm and cozy house to go out!
Another change that has happened is that I now venture out to places by myself. I went to a friend’s house as a single individual on New Year’s Eve. I have eaten out a couple of times by myself. If a problem arises I deal with it by myself. Not that I didn’t do this before my husband died, it’s just that now I have to make the decision alone and it really is different. It reminds me of when I was young and I got my first apartment; it’s that realization that I was an adult.
So I guess what happened during the 12 weeks I was home is that I became use to the idea that I am single, which in turn means that I am finally accepting that Terry is dead. It’s not that I am not still head over heal in love with him, because it is so difficult to turn off your heart; ( see Falling Out Of Love) but my mind has finally realized that he is gone.
I also know that I am not fully ready to move on with my life, but it does mean that I am comfortable in my own skin and in my own house. I went from being horribly alone to actually enjoying my own company! Who knew! Now I am looking forward to enjoying my beach by myself this summer.
I have always said that when you look back 6 months or a year, things can be so different and change so drastically. Well in 12 weeks I really feel like I have blossomed in a way that I didn’t think was possible. It’s not what I would have chosen for myself, but I do need to embrace the change. Plus, I am starting to become excited about what tomorrow will bring!
I didn’t think that this would be a word that I would use for my husband for many more years. But he died and now I get to learn to deal with this. It’s overwhelming. The thank you cards, the well wishes, the help, the love, the grief, the pain, the numbness, the anger. It’s humbling to have so many people who care about my well being. But all I want to do is hide. I want to close the door on the world and sit in the dark and forget that I am feeling.
Unfortunately, reality kicks me in the face and I realize that I am lucky that I am alive and blessed to be able to hug my daughters, that I have a job that pays my bills and puts food on the table. That I am healthy and loved.
I shouldn’t complain. I got to spend 18 1/2 years longer with my husband because of the heart transplant. I could have been 35 and widowed and our dsaughters wouldn’t have known their father.
So for this very moment I will accept my life and be grateful for the moment. But tomorrow I may feel differently.