Tag Archives: Acceptance

Moving Forward

Forgive me, because this is a sad post, but I have to say it in order for me to move on with my life. I feel like I need to explain my absence from this blog.

For the first three years after Terry died I felt loss and sadness. I thought I was doing great, slowly coming to terms with his death. And then one day it hit me, I started crying. And I cried. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I had to; I hadn’t fully grieved. I had buried my feelings so far down that I wouldn’t let them come up. And one day they started appearing. I think right before my last post on here was when I had that realization.

I had no desire to write anything, anywhere. That is the first sign for me that I can’t deal with my emotions, so I just quit trying and shutdown. I have written in a journal for years and years, but I have gaps where I have nothing written down, such as: when my mother died. It took me three years to write again. When Terry got sick and had his heart transplant I wrote nothing of the event. When my dad died, it took me a couple of months to even write that he had died. When Terry died, I tried very hard to stay present. To remember every moment of every day and to be in the here and now. I was really proud of myself, continuing to write; I really thought I was doing great.

I stopped writing this blog in June of 2016 and then within two months I also stopped writing in my personal blog/journal. I would try to write something but it would be so sad or depressing that I would delete it. Finally I just quit.

What the hell!!! I tried my damnest to stop my feelings. I tried to avoid them by working like crazy. I tried avoidance by pretending. But at night I would cry myself to sleep and sometimes in the middle of the night I would wake up and cry and sometimes I would cry and not even wake up. The only reason I knew I had cried in the night was because I had dried tears on my cheeks (typically streaks into my ears!). My alarm would go off in the morning and I would be crying in my sleep. It was crazy.

I couldn’t talk about Terry without crying. I would apologize to whoever when I started to cry, but I couldn’t stop it. I had started to have gut wrenching sobs that I couldn’t control. I would be watching T.V. and suddenly it would hit me with such force that I was down on my knees wailing. The intensity shocked me.

Somehow my mind or body or God or something knew it was time for me to get those feelings out. Simply amazing to me. I apparently wasn’t mentally strong enough to deal with my feeling before. Then I had to put my dog Lucy down this past summer. I cried for days and I had this overwhelming guilt. I honestly didn’t think it was her time and I felt like I had killed her.

Terry’s five-year anniversary of his death came and went. I was so grateful that it was over with. It was actually a relief. I had wished for my heart to be healed and the following month I realized that it was.  I also realized that Lucy had some issues that were going to continue to get worse with time and for her sake and mine, I did what was right, and I have finally reconciled my feeling of guilt and that she was dying but that I just wasn’t ready to let go.

This Christmas was by far the most wonderful Christmas I have ever had. I missed Terry, but I accept that he was a sick man and had to die. I realized that my life is pretty special and that I have the most amazing family and friends.

The only reason I am really telling you this is because people don’t talk about how intense and uncontrollable grief can be. We try to pretend that it doesn’t happen. That after the first year we are magically healed, and we should move on. For some people they do and can and God Bless them. They dealt with their feelings. I however did not. And I was really embarrassed to say that I was crying more and feeling worse than I had in the previous three years.

Grief is a very solitary emotion that is impossible to share or explain to others. You can go to grief counseling and they can give you tools to help you to deal, but they can’t help you feel those emotions. I went right after Terry died and I believe they did help me get through that first year and I probably should have gone back this past year and a half to get some help, but I didn’t.

I do believe that I am finally through this, although I understand that there will be moments and potentially days that I will again feel grief; I am OK with that. I know that now it won’t be unbearable. And I won’t wish for the day to feel normal again, like I did on so many occasions. Because finally after 5 years and two months, I have turned that corner and I am so very grateful. I will survive.

Side note: I realized that today is January 1, 2018. I did not intend for this to be my first post like it was a New Years Resolution, but how fitting that it IS my first post.

I wish for each of you Happiness in the coming year. Happy New Year!

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2014 Was Exactly What I Didn’t Want!

This morning I am reflecting over my 2014 and I am shocked to find that I stopped writing in my Grateful Journal on January 14th, 2014!

I didn’t want to spend my year immersed in my emotions. I wanted to live it and be grateful for every moment. But as I sit here looking over my goals and journals, I realize that I couldn’t be anything more than what I was. I needed to forgive myself for just being. That it was OK not to know where I was going and who was going along with me.

I have been so afraid of losing my old life that I couldn’t see my new life that lay ahead of me in full bloom! I will always have my old life as long as I keep in touch with all my old friends, but my new friends are also coming along on this ride. And that is what will make my life rich and full. (Along with my family of course!)

So on this first day of 2015 I will be making my goals, visualizing my dreams and making plans to move on in my life so that I don’t miss a moment of this year! More importantly, I want to make sure that I am grateful for every second!

So thank you all for reading my blog last year. My wish for each of you is: Peace, Love and Prosperity! Happy New Year!

Julie

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Acceptance

When I decided that I would have surgery on my wrist in September I had an alternative plan in the works and that was being able to have Thanksgiving off and spend it with my daughters and their families in Arizona with two of my sisters.

Each week that I was off however, I become more comfortable in my house by myself. I started cooking my own meals which is unheard of! I wouldn’t even wash a strawberry before my husband died and now I am actually cooking?!

I hated being home on my two nights off by myself. To me the house was cold and uninviting. Empty is probably the word. Now I cherish being in my house. A month ago when we had subzero temperatures I was afraid that my pipes would freeze so I turned off the water and bled the pipes before I went to bed for 3 nights in a row and then turned it back on during the day with a heater under my house. (Heaters can catch on fire and I really didn’t want to wake up to that.) My younger daughter said that I should just stay with her, but I didn’t have any intentions of leaving my home. I could live without water overnight. I even said to someone that I didn’t want to leave my warm and cozy house to go out!

Another change that has happened is that I now venture out to places by myself. I went to a friend’s house as a single individual on New Year’s Eve. I have eaten out a couple of times by myself. If a problem arises I deal with it by myself. Not that I didn’t do this before my husband died, it’s just that now I have to make the decision alone and it really is different. It reminds me of when I was young and I got my first apartment; it’s that realization that I was an adult.

So I guess what happened during the 12 weeks I was home is that I became use to the idea that I am single, which in turn means that I am finally accepting that Terry is dead. It’s not that I am not still head over heal in love with him, because it is so difficult to turn off your heart; ( see Falling Out Of Love) but my mind has finally realized that he is gone.

I also know that I am not fully ready to move on with my life, but it does mean that I am comfortable in my own skin and in my own house. I went from being horribly alone to actually enjoying my own company! Who knew! Now I am looking forward to enjoying my beach by myself this summer.

I have always said that when you look back 6 months or a year, things can be so different and change so drastically. Well in 12 weeks I really feel like I have blossomed in a way that I didn’t think was possible. It’s not what I would have chosen for myself, but I do need to embrace the change. Plus, I am starting to become excited about what tomorrow will bring!

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Death

I didn’t think that this would be a word that I would use for my husband for many more years. But he died and now I get to learn to deal with this. It’s overwhelming. The thank you cards, the well wishes, the help, the love, the grief, the pain, the numbness, the anger. It’s humbling to have so many people who care about my well being. But all I want to do is hide. I want to close the door on the world and sit in the dark and forget that I am feeling.

Unfortunately, reality kicks me in the face and I realize that I am lucky that I am alive and blessed to be able to hug my daughters, that I have a job that pays my bills and puts food on the table. That I am healthy and loved.

I shouldn’t complain. I got to spend 18 1/2 years longer with my husband because of the heart transplant. I could have been 35 and widowed and our dsaughters wouldn’t have known their father.

So for this very moment I will accept my life and be grateful for the moment. But tomorrow I may feel differently.

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