Bats

I had one in my house the other evening. It flew in through an open window.

I was sitting mindlessly in front of the television when I started seeing shadows in my living room. I turned and stared at the light. Sure enough here it comes flying through the air, tight to the ceiling.

“Oh Shit” I said. First I opened up my sliding glass door, then I ran upstairs and shut all the doors and ran back down turning off all of the lights on my way back into the living room.  Then I proceeded to flail my arms like I was possessed and at this point I probably was. Seeing the humor in all of this I started laughing hysterically. All of a sudden I didn’t hear anything. Bats are very, very quiet. Their sound is more like a rush of wind. I stood there in silence for about 3 minutes, finally moving toward the open door. There stood my dog, half in the house and half out. She just stared at me. “Come on” I said. She stayed at the door. “Come on” I said a little more persistent. She came in the house. I quickly shut the door and turned the lights back on. I felt pretty good about myself, scaring that old bat back outside!

Jumping to 2004: Earlier in that evening, our daughter had all the doors open from our garage all the way up to the second story so that she could carry stuff up to her room.

That night Terry and I were in bed sound asleep and I awoke to whish . . . whish . . . whish.

“There’s a bat in here” I said.

“Yep” Terry said. I turned toward his voice and in the moonlight I could see Terry’s head covered by the sheet.

“Really?” I said, “You did nothing to get this thing out of our bedroom?”

“Nope, You’re the exterminator”.

Sometime in the late 80’s I had my license to kill bugs. Not a very glamorous job, but it paid well and it wasn’t too gross. I had a job where I had to spray dorm halls and basements, and tunnels. Which honestly I enjoyed the lower levels of all buildings. That’s where all the secrets are! But I digress. Lots of times I would be in one of the dorm hallways and I would either get stopped by a screaming young woman or I would just notice that there were bats hanging out. Back then I had really short hair, so I would put on a hat, pull on my gloves and grab my towel and remove those little buggers outside. Typically, the hardest part was finding something to stand on. So I did have a little experience in removing bats.

Whish . . . whish . . . whish.

I got up and went to the window and opened the top half and laid back down.

Thunk.

“What the heck” I said as I climbed back out of bed. “Since when do we have a screen on the top half of the window?” I pushed it off with the bat still attached to the screen. It hit our roof four feet below. As I pulled the window up I looked over at Terry and said, “It’s safe now” in a smart assed tone.

I laid back down and closed my eyes. “You are putting that screen back on in the morning”. I went right back to sleep.

Whish . . . whish . . . whish.

“A second one???!!” I yelled.

“Yep” Terry replied.

“Oh my gosh” I got back up and opened the window. The second one flew out.

I got back into bed and smacked him on top of what I thought might be his head since he was still covered up with the sheet. And then I laughed at him. The jerk, making his wife get rid of the bats!

Back to 2016

I came home to let my dog out and I went into my living room for something, who knows what and there hanging off my woodwork was a bat. Not just any bat, the bat I am sure I tried to scare out of the house two nights prior. I wasn’t quite prepared for a bat, so I went to the closet and pulled out a hooded sweatshirt, found my leather gloves, grabbed a towel and then I got my sunglasses, but I am not sure why I needed my sunglasses!!!

I stood on a chair and grabbed that little bat and carried him outside and put him on the ground. I did however run back to the house and close the door. I didn’t want him to think he was invited back.

As I stood looking at the sliding door, I remembered Lucy my dog not wanting to come back in the house the night that I thought I had successfully scared the bat. But now that I think about it; she really didn’t want to come in at all. Hmmm. Moral of the story: if your dog doesn’t want to go into the house then you probably shouldn’t be in there either.

But for me, it was just a bat, an animal that I actually think has a great purpose here on earth, so hopefully he flew away tonight and is eating all the mosquitoes that he can!

 

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Geese

When I started this blog, my intention was to pass on information that I have learned through my life living in a hospital with a sick husband. Since then, my blog really hasn’t been about anything.

Today however, I am going to educate: about Geese.

Damn Geese.

My husband called them flying rats.

I really thought he was being extreme.

Little did I know that he was speaking the truth.

Before we had a pond, I really hadn’t encountered geese. They pass over head in the spring and fall; going to parts unknown, honking all the way. I thought they were kind of cool. To me it signified the beginning of spring and the end of summer.

Then we had a dam built and our pond filled up with water. I build my little beach, put out my chairs and the geese came. They shit everywhere. Now if you are offended by the word shit, please quit reading right now.

They loved my beach. They ate the sand to help digest whatever it is that they eat. And it was really a great place for them to walk ashore without climbing through the weeds. And as they ate the sand it immediately came out the other end.

I was shocked by the amount of shit that came out of their bodies. It’s like having a cold and blowing your nose for days and wondering where all that snot comes from. Yep, geese poop is the same.

My husband and I had done a pretty good job of scaring off the geese, until the year we had to put my mother-in-law in a nursing home. Neither one of us had been around much. I had been working a lot and he had been spending time with his mother because she couldn’t take care of herself. The night that the decision was made to put her in a nursing home we came home to geese on the pond. Three sets of geese.  I said “Terry, go scare those geese away!”

A minute later I hear BOOM (a gunshot)! I go flying out the door. “What are you doing!!!!???”

“I am scaring the geese away” He replied. As we stood there looking at the pond, the three sets of geese returned and landed quietly back in the pond.

“Hmmm, doesn’t look like you scared them at all.” I turned and went back in the house.

BOOM! Another gun shot. I look out the window to see the birds fly off to the south. Good, I am thinking to myself. I yell at my husband “Don’t shoot them!”

Five minutes later I look out and here are the three sets of geese peacefully swimming on the pond. I turn my back.

BOOM! OH MY GOSH! I look out and there in the water is a dead goose. I take off toward the pond! “Why did you shoot the goose?” I yell!

“I didn’t mean to! It just got in my way!”

“Put your waders on and go fish that goose out of the pond! We should probably eat it or something!”

He (I am sure) had some choice words to say to me, but he went down and got the goose and cleaned it and put it in the freezer. The evening never got any better and the next four days were awful.

First of all, geese mate for life. The other two sets of geese flew away. But the one remaining partner stayed. HONK, HONK, HOOONK. He/She cried for days. It was horrible. We woke up to that and went to bed to that. We tried to scare it off, but it didn’t care, it was heartbroken.

Day Five, I looked at my husband and said “Shoot the other one and put it out of its misery.” But I never saw it that day. It may have left or maybe the previous day my husband couldn’t take it any longer and shot it and never told me.

Fast forward to last year. There was a pair of geese swimming around on my pond and in my mind they looked like trouble to me. But by the time I put two and two together I had seven baby geese and two parents swimming on my pond. Oh I know some people are saying “OH but their so cute!”

Then they started growing. Coming ashore and shitting everywhere. My dog would go down and roll in the poop and I would have to wash her off. It was a daily occurrence. I was going crazy. I would run at them screaming. I would drive my mower full bore towards them. I know my neighbors thought I was nuts.

Then one day, when I was screaming and waving my arms and chasing them on my mower; they took off into the sky. I seriously had a moment of pride thinking that I had a hand in teaching them to fly. Getting away from the crazy lady was their inspiration. I was so happy to see them go. The parents didn’t come back last year and neither did the babies. (Thank God).

This year, I had a dozen or so geese land on my pond daily. I told my younger daughter and she bought me a 3D Coyote and put it out on the peninsula. It actually worked for a little bit, most of the geese left. But then I saw this pair of geese swimming on the pond, looking pretty comfortable in their little world. I figure its Mom and Dad from last year.

The mom disappeared a week ago. So Lucy (my dog) and I walked around the pond. I didn’t see the goose or her nest. And I know that if she were dead the male would be crying. But no, he is just swimming around like a proud parent. Two days ago I found the nest. Right next to my windmill!

Seven eggs. Crap, I thought to myself. I am going to have to throw these eggs into the weeds. But all I can think about is their reaction. Are they going to cry and mourn the loss of their babies?

I have to toss these damn geese eggs, thinking of the amount of shit that they produce.

I pondered my decision. I thought about how I would dispose of the geese eggs. I have these long purple rubber gloves that I use when I am pulling things out of my overflow. We have had big turtles get caught in there and there is nothing worse than grabbing something unidentifiable and pulling it to the surface. I really like my rubber gloves. Then I had to get my mind ready; thinking about picking up the eggs and tossing them across the pond to the other side. Far, far away from the nest.

I had finally reconciled this all in my mind when I drove into my driveway and here was a young man (son of a close friend) fishing at the pond. He was headed toward the house and I said “Hey! Can you do me a favor? Did you see the goose nest down there?”

“Yes” he said.

“Could you go throw the eggs into the weeds on the other side of the pond for me?”

“Sure”.

Problem solved.

I woke up yesterday to the mama goose swimming with her head under water. “Did she think they got lost in the pond?”

Today I woke up to . . . NO GEESE. Happy Dance!

Moral of the Story: Always get someone else to do your dirty work.

And Reality: Geese shit a lot, scare the damn things away.

Epilogue: Terry took the frozen goose to a wild game feed and it was made into amazing bacon wrapped goose kabobs. I enjoyed it immensely. So did Terry.

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Will I know how to live after Prairie Meadows?

After 8 years, (technically 7 ½) I will be quitting Prairie Meadows. Easter Sunday at 11 p.m. I will be punching out and closing that door to a very stressful time in my life.

While I was there; three grandchildren were born, a husband died. I quit my real estate job, started up my real estate job again and created a ton of new friends.

What I missed out on? Birthdays, I think I had to work for both of my daughter’s 30th. I am sure missed tons of family time. Time with my husband. Countless holidays. A million friend’s events; weddings, anniversaries, birthday’s, deaths. Enough said.

I am questioned about entertainment and news events quite a bit:

“Have you seen . . .?” “No I always respond, someday”

“Have you read . . .?” “No, someday”

“Did you hear about . . ?” This one I am grateful that I do not know because 99% of the time it is about something horrific and I just don’t want any of that in my mind to think about.

Come Monday morning March 28th I will be able to reconnect. Amanda told me I will have 9 hours a week more just to do personal business, such as banking, doctor’s appointments and actually be in my office to do more work. She also figured that I would have an additional 30 hours in the evening to do whatever the heck I want! Seeing family, friends, knitting, writing, watching movies I missed, reading books that I have wanted to read, playing with my flowers, working, sitting on the beach or possibly just doing nothing. Plus I will have an additional 5 hours a week to be able to sleep.

It’s so scary to think that I will be relying on one job to pay my bills, buy I also know that I am very capable of doing just that. I am also scared because now it will be just me. To live my life with just me. To come home at night to just me (and Lucy).

And you ask yourself “well haven’t you been coming home to you for the last three years?”. I have been, but when you walk into the house at 11:30 at night, you fall into bed and don’t have to deal with the empty house syndrome.

I was off a couple of times in the last two years for a few weeks because of surgeries and I know what it will feel like, but I also knew I was going back to Prairie Meadows and it was just a temporary stay at home.

I have had the most horrendous panic attacks this last week, each one getting a little better. Amanda suggested that I make a list of all the people I want to see and the things I want to do and every time I have a panic attack I pull out my list! Great advice.

I am so excited to be done. A lot of my “young” friends started there just after me and finished high school and then have since finished college and they are now starting their “new” lives with their “new” jobs. They will be gone and I will miss seeing them and working with them, so it seems fitting for me to also move on. They have graduated and now it is also time for me to graduate.

I never lived by myself until Terry died, but I was never home long enough to call it living. So now I will start my new life living by myself. I am sure I will love every minute of it!

Maybe I need another dog!

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Cords

 

This morning I came to work and unloaded all my paraphernalia out of my bags that I carry to and from work and I had to untangle all of my cords. Then it hit me: my life is all about cords and how tangled they are sometimes and how connected I am to them.

Sometimes they are really tangled and it takes a little longer to untangle them. Sometimes they are really twisted and you have to straighten them out and sometimes they are perfectly wound up correctly until you make the mistake of plugging them in and they just seem to fall into a heap and you wonder how they can get that messed up so quickly.

The thing about this is that each and every cord is very important in my life and I should spend the extra time making sure that each and every cord is taken care of correctly.

I love all my cords, they come in all shapes, sizes and lengths. Some are extremely important and some are for work only, but without my cords I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I remember actually that it started out with a TV. cord connecting me to the rest of the world. Then I got a cable cord and I could choose what I wanted to be connected to. Then came a VCR cord which helped me to stay home. Then a computer cord and a cell phone cord and my ipad cord and my family of cords just keeps growing.

It’s sad when one of your cords no longer works. First you are in shock, then you feel guilty that maybe you did something wrong, then anger sets in and you try to bargain to get your cord back. As time goes on your start to accept that you can’t get your cord back.

And of course there are days when you just hate all your cords or you are disappointed in how your cords are working. But amazingly you wake up the next day and all the cords are fine! That is when I realize that I was probably the reason why my cords were acting up. If I just treat them a little nicer then they just snap right out of it!

So here are to all the cords in my life! I wish each of them a wonderful long life with very few kinks!

Julie

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2014 Was Exactly What I Didn’t Want!

This morning I am reflecting over my 2014 and I am shocked to find that I stopped writing in my Grateful Journal on January 14th, 2014!

I didn’t want to spend my year immersed in my emotions. I wanted to live it and be grateful for every moment. But as I sit here looking over my goals and journals, I realize that I couldn’t be anything more than what I was. I needed to forgive myself for just being. That it was OK not to know where I was going and who was going along with me.

I have been so afraid of losing my old life that I couldn’t see my new life that lay ahead of me in full bloom! I will always have my old life as long as I keep in touch with all my old friends, but my new friends are also coming along on this ride. And that is what will make my life rich and full. (Along with my family of course!)

So on this first day of 2015 I will be making my goals, visualizing my dreams and making plans to move on in my life so that I don’t miss a moment of this year! More importantly, I want to make sure that I am grateful for every second!

So thank you all for reading my blog last year. My wish for each of you is: Peace, Love and Prosperity! Happy New Year!

Julie

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First Date

I went on my first official date. Weird, very weird. Now this was my third time to have actually “met” him. The first I made him come to Altoona, a midway point between the two of us at 9:00 am for coffee. The second we had a couple of beers at a bar in Altoona. But this time was different. He pretty much decided on everything and I was to meet him at the Cheese Cake Factory at Jordon Creek Mall in West Des Moines because we would be going to a movie just across the food court in the Mall. So I went a little early and window shopped.

He emailed me and said he was early and at the restaurant. So I rode up the escalator and started freaking out. This was my first date. “OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING!” I pulled out my lipstick and tried three times to get my hand to stop shaking and put it on in short swipes. I had visions of lipstick across my cheek, on my teeth, in my hair, you name it. In three short seconds I envisioned it all over my face.

I purposely walked with long strides and my body very rigid. It was the only way I could control my body. I was terrified of what it would do.

OK, I have to be honest here. I don’t know who I inherited this from, but every time I am nervous about something I get diarrhea. It’s my sign from my body that my mind is not happy. I can look and act like everything is OK, but my body never lies.

So into the restaurant I walk. AHHH . . . he is sitting on a bench looking like this is just the most awful thing he has done in years. HAHAHA! I suddenly feel better, because I feel sorry for him.

I picked out four items on the appetizer menu that I would be happy eating and let him have the final say in choosing. I chose things like Thai spring rolls, lettuce wraps and a couple of other things. He has already figured out that to me all food is good food as long as someone else is preparing it! I tell him that I like everything except for liver and onions and he laughs because he just had that two weeks ago. He picks the safe appetizer, an artichoke and (something) dip. He also decides on a shrimp and a pasta dish for us to split. Very safe.

We have dinner, nice conversation, he knows one of the assistant managers who comes over to see us and sends us a pumpkin cheesecake to finish our dinner and we literally run to the movie because we are 10 minutes late.

We settle into our seats and of course there is an additional 15 minutes of previews on top of the 10 minutes that we have already missed! The movie starts. It’s the ‘Judge’ which was very good up until the point that the “mother board” broke and we sat there in silence staring at the screen. The lights come on and the “on duty” manager comes in and apologizes. 10 minutes later he comes back with a free ticket for all of us. I give mine to my date (I can’t imagine ever driving out that far again for a movie!). The manager come in again (3 more times) to apologize and finally comes back and says “it can’t be fixed this evening”.

Fortunately for us the guy behind us says “Hey, we need more free tickets so we can see the end of this movie”. The manager come back again and gives us another round of tickets. This time my date gives me his ticket and says “Now we both have 2”.

We leave and walk out to the parking lot. It has snowed. Really!? And it’s 23 degrees. I give him a hug and say “thank you” and jumped into my car and drive away.

As I sit here I am asking myself, “Did I enjoy it?” Hmmm, it was ok, but I have to say that tonight I went to my local bar “where everyone knows your name” and had a beer and there was no difference between the two. I don’t think I am attracted to him . . . maybe that’s why it feels the same.

OH! Epiphany! Shoot, am I supposed to be attracted to them? Damn I missed that memo. Maybe I am just lonely and all I really want is someplace to go where I am welcomed. I learned a trick from my granddaughter when she was three; when you shout someone’s name upon seeing them that they feel loved and wanted! There is nothing better than my grandchildren yelling my name. And tonight when I walked into the bar two people called “Julie!” (There were only five people in there)

Anyway I digress. Apparently that’s all I want right now. Someone that is happy to see me and shout my name. Actually isn’t that what we all want?

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What I have learned on EHarmony

This summer my brother-in-law told me that I needed to start dating and he wanted me to know that Terry would want me to be happy. It was very sweet of him to actually tell me that and it was kind of a blessing from Terry in a roundabout way. I have since realized that everyone wants me to be happy and that it’s OK for me to move on with my life.

I still can’t say that I want to move on, however I know that I am missing out on life by not doing anything, so I took the step and joined EHarmony. It has been interesting to say the least! Blind dating at its best (or worst).

This brings me to “What I Have Learned on EHarmony”.

  1. Don’t put a picture on a dating website that is 5, 10 or 15 years old! Geez do you honestly think you still look like that after you have gained the 40 pounds three years ago! It’s like being 18 again and need that fake ID only this time you’re not fooling anyone.
  2. Bleach your teeth. Very inexpensive way of looking better, younger, healthier, etc.! And while I am talking about teeth, going to a dentist is a good investment in your health. Feel like you can’t afford it? Dental colleges charge 1/10th the amount that you will pay at your local dentist and the college has the newest technology! Tough to look at someone with bad teeth, let alone kiss them! YUCK!
  3. Don’t talk about how perfect you are . . . if you are that perfect and make that much money, then why are you single?
  4. Please don’t say things like “You look like you have healthy hair”. Really? Can you say creepy! Besides the fact that obviously there is nothing else about me that you found attractive. Just don’t talk to me!
  5. If you don’t want to meet after talking to me for two weeks, then have the balls to say “Hey I don’t feel that we have enough in common” or “I have met someone” or anything would be better than nothing.
  6. Put a photo on the website. For gosh sakes you are paying money to have women look at your profile and the one thing we want to see is you and you deny us a picture. Those gentlemen go in my trash within the week.

So much for my griping! I would love to get a hold of all these men and help them portray themselves in the best available light! Unfortunately I might hurt their feelings, but sometimes don’t we all need to see how we look through someone else’s eyes? An honest look at ourselves?

When people look in the mirror they see someone totally different than how others view them. Such as anorexic women who see themselves as fat. Or when people sing, they hear something totally different than how others hear them. Listen to the tryouts for American Idol, all of those people believe that they have a shot but they don’t hear what we hear. It’s the picture that we paint of ourselves in our own mind. My theory is that we don’t honestly know what we look like or how others perceive us!

What scares me is that I have no idea what I look like in other people’s eyes. Shit I could be the one with the boogers hanging out of my nose. I often wonder if that’s the reason people rub their noses while they are talking to me.

The truth is that I don’t care.

Last week I met a man at 9:00 am for coffee with one of the worst colds I have had in years. I had to get up and blow my nose 5 times, I drank 4 cups of coffee and ate a piece of French Silk Pie for breakfast (and I may have moaned a little while eating it). I told him that I had a couple of other guys I was meeting and that I needed his full name so I could Google him. My girls were like “MOM you shouldn’t say all of that!” But again, I don’t care what they think of me.

So maybe I am really not ready to date. But I did see the same guy this week and spent a couple of hours talking to him over beer and a quesadilla. It was awkward and nice all at the same time. It is still really weird to me, but next week we are going out to a movie. He’s a nice guy, but I am kind of treating this like a science project. I don’t really have a hypothesis yet so I don’t know what my next step or experiment should be! Poor guy. All my friends say “Keep an open mind”; however I don’t know what to be open to . . . bad teeth, no hair, fake photo, we’ll see.

I will keep you updated on my experiment!

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Work and Weirdo’s

Every week I leave my job behind for two whole days and when I leave I think “Thank God, I am leaving those looney people”. It’s not the people that work there; although I have seen my fair share of characters that have worked there for 2 days to 20 years. But I am talking about the not so average person that grace us with their presence.

Last Monday night seemed to just bring them out or maybe we were just slow enough for me to actually observe their behavior.

Everything seemed to be kind of normal until this woman and man came in and sat in my section. She had 9 inch nails painted a sparkled silver. Lovely . . . the lady across the aisle was searching for her friend so she could point out the obvious. The pained and disgusted look on her face told the whole story and I didn’t think she would be able to sit there and eat her food watching those nails clank around on the table.

The “nail” lady couldn’t pick up her silverware properly. She had to curl her hands off to the side and use the outside of her hands to pick up her water and fork. Fascinating actually; like a train wreak, everyone one just stood and stared. We (the wait staff) of course were in the back talking about how in the world did she even wipe her butt!

It was then I notice a young woman wearing a crocheted swimsuit cover-up. First of all, inappropriate for a restaurant, but the best part was that she was wearing a thong bikini. I seriously had to circle her because I couldn’t believe that it was a thong. It was.

In the meantime time one of my other tables had decided to take a picture of the woman with the nails. He walks up to her and said “I am sure you get asked this all the time. Can I take a picture of your nails?”

She replies with “Yes you can take the picture and no one has ever asked me”.

I was dying. When the guy left I so wanted to run after him and give him my number so he could text the picture to me!!!! But I could get fired for solicitation, so I decided to just stay put.

I really don’t know if we have become a society of people who just don’t care about what others think or maybe we have become so “politically correct” that nothing is said to the people that really need to have their asses reamed for being idiots. Is it socially acceptable to wear anything or to grow your nails to the point where they are gross and probably full of bacteria? Have people become really strange or is it my imagination?!

Don’t get me started on butt cracks! That is a daily occurrence at my place of employment.

I am just grateful I am in my little cocoon for a couple of days.

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Summer

I said I would Blog 52 times this year and right now I can’t remember the last blog I posted. It’s amazing how life gets in the way of your goals!

Today I decided that I would take one hour just to go outside and enjoy my surroundings. This is not something I get to do very often. Typically when I am outside I am mowing, or weeding or cleaning the beach or something that is considered work. And although I don’t mind doing those things, it is not just sitting around and doing nothing.

So I went out and yes I did rake the sand a little and got rid of the algae, but I also stood at the water’s edge and watched the ripples from the summer breeze and the bugs and birds that dipped into the water.

I saw birds soaring and beautiful puffy clouds and marveled at the blue sky. I laid on my stomach on the dock and watched little schools of fish swimming around. I waited patiently for a big fish to come and scare them, but none came.

I watched my dog Lucy become annoyed with the scores of dragonflies buzzing around her. She finally laid down and stared at me.

And as I sat there looking at my surroundings, I realized I am at peace. Probably only for this very brief moment in my life; but still it is something that I should really take notice of.

It’s not that I don’t miss Terry any less than I did two months ago, but that I know that I am comfortable in my own skin and I am going to be OK without him. I am amazed that it’s alright for me to just be by myself and not have to worry about another human day in and day out.

And yes, I would trade it all in for Terry to be alive; but it wasn’t fair to him, so I have to give up and let go and let life be life and enjoy mine.

I guess this is what summer is all about. Making time to find a little peace.

 

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Age

I don’t know when it started, but I have this weird need to complete my goals. I feel like my clock is ticking and it’s ticking faster and faster all the time.

I have always been an impatient person, but lately it’s like I am very concerned what is going to happen with my life? I wake up at night with this weird sensation that I need to figure this out. It’s not that I believe that I am going to die in the next 20 years, it’s that I know that every day that I am not moving forward means I have lost another day of my life to inactivity.

And it’s not really scary, just very annoying because I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life! But I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with the beginning of my life, so it shouldn’t faze me. However, now that I know what I know: Law of attraction; positive thinking; see it, feel it, be it; you know all of that stuff; I am constantly struggling to figure out what I want out of life now!

It’s only been 20 months since Terry died, but when you’re in your 50’s 20 months is a long time to just flounder in life! I have always said “Wait six months and your life will change” but I don’t want to wait anymore! I want to make my life better for me! I want to be happy with everything I do and right this second I am not! (Yelling at this point!)

That’s really not true, (Thinking rationally again). I am probably happier than the average person because I know that today is my only day for today, so I have to make the best of it, but gosh darn it what is it that I want for tomorrow?!

Who knows, I sure as heck don’t. When Terry was alive I had a mission of trying to keep him alive and relatively healthy. Now I get up and think; eggs or cereal what’s my choice. Maybe I am a little bored? I did so much for so long that now that I do not have to fight for everyday to have Terry with me I am underwhelmed with my life.

Hmmm, I think I may have just solved my own problem. Amazing. One thing I do know, I won’t be going out and finding a new problem to fix! I am going to stick with eggs and cereal for a while, wait six months and give myself a break!

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